(Fictitious disclaimer :all persons portrayed in it are fictitious Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.) All rights reserved. No part of this manuscript may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical,photocopy, recording or otherwise without the written prior permission by J. Robb Montana.
The Great Spudnut Story
I’m not sure of the exact year that I started to attend The Church of the Immaculate Spudnut, but I remember the day like it was yesterday. To this day I remember the smells and tastes with a crystal clarity that I have been able to recall, on demand, for near fifty years.
I was 10 or 11 years old, on my way home from doing my paper route I think, as I had money in my pocket. I was walking down the main street of Vernon B.C., without having any knowledge of what was about to happen to me. I stepped into the exhaust air vent of the Spudnut Shop Portal. The effect was instantaneous, my entire body became weak from the effect of the smell. I believe that it was the spirit of the Great Spudnut that grabbed my shirt and pulled me through the front door and set me down in front of the cash register, at the feet of the spudnut wizard. The spudnut wizard was disguised as a old man with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his lips. He turned to me and said the words that would change my destiny. “What can I do for you young man?” I replied hesitantly,”I-I-I wooould liike a dooonut please.” He looked me in the eye with a gaze that was as steady as an old oak, then he looked sideways over his right shoulder. That’s when I noticed two other old men sitting on stools at the counter, the old chrome stools with the padded vinyl top. They both had half smiles and also had some of the same twinkle in their eyes.
The wizard then turned his full attention on me and in a very serious voice said, “We don’t have any doughnuts here, son.”
I could see the fryer, the glazing pan and the racks full of glazed doughnuts, so I replied, “There’s doughnuts everywhere.”
“Oh, you mean these”, he said sweeping his hand to indicate the wall behind him that seemed to me to be entirely covered with doughnuts. “These are not doughnuts, son, These are SPUDNUTS. If you want DOUGHnuts there are other places in this town that make very DOUGHYnuts. I would be happy to tell you where they are. But since it is obvious that you have never had a spudnut, I will give your first one free. This is a very good business move on my part, because after you have had your first one, you will be coming back here to give me all the rest of the money you can get your hands on.” Having said that, with a great flourish he, with one smooth motion whirled around and had a plate in his hand with a spudnut neatly in the middle. He set it on the counter in front of an empty stool and said “Hop up son and try your first spudnut. You’ll never eat a doughnut again.” He then went to the cooler and got me a milk, plopped it on the counter in front of me and said, “Nothing like a milk to wash down a spudnut.”
Then the spudnut wizard and his two apprentice wizards that he referred to as his “regulars” sat and watched me with great intensity as I contemplated the orb of beauty on the plate in front of me. One of his ‘regulars’ said ” might as well not put it off. One bite and you are part of this club for the rest of your life.”
The lifetime commitment sounded a little scary, but the spudnut could not be resisted. I picked it up and cautiously took the first bite. Very quickly I ate the rest. I had barely swallowed the last bite when the prophecy fulfilling words came out of my mouth, “How many more of these will fifty cents buy?”